Now I'm in for it

In spite of a strict embargo on picking up new hobbies, I bought sock yarn today. Two dishcloths and I think I can make anything. But my friend (the one I hold partially responsible for this madness, because of her nefarious knitting enthusiasm) tells me this is the year of knitting dangerously, of diving in on projects that seem scary. So I'm not going to wait until my stitches are always perfectly even. I'm going to make a pair of socks like I've wanted to for ages.

The other impetus behind the madness is my recent realization that I make life into a series of "have to" and "should" tasks. Even things I want to do and enjoy doing, I think of in terms of having to---because I've chosen them or their endpoint, sure, but I am viewing very little as a free choice of something that I want to do. I think this is a hold over from working on my thesis. I pushed myself very hard---pushing, in Neil Fiore's ("The Now Habit") terms. Pushing is when you force yourself to do something through fear or distaste of the consequences if you don't. It doesn't really work as well as positive motivation. And yet it seems to be the default. So I've gotten into the habit of *making* myself do things. I need to relearn how to do things because I want to do them. Part of that is relearning what I like to do. Hence buying sock yarn, although I have another two dishcloths I've promised to make, a scarf I want, and a shawl I was eyeing. But all of those involve boring stitches and doing something that I've told myself I should. What I really want to try is socks. In no way should I do socks, nor do I have to. The others have turned into assignments. This is just for me.

One of the most frustrating things about this semester, since I've been back from holidays and done the thesis, is that I have kept the "have to" mentality, and it has led me to avoid things I actually really enjoy. I love my research topic. I love doing research. I enjoy working with the people in my lab. I even like volunteering for things, helping with outreach. But every one of my activities over the last month has been tainted with a feeling of being forced into something, forced by myself. And that's frustrating, when I know I would choose it freely if I could.