Monday, April 21, 2008
This is all going to be moving
I decided not to go the pseudo-anonymous route, and instead I'm going to be adding blog software to my real school webpage and expand the whole "student life" section into semi-regular blog posts (we'll see how that goes). That means less freedom to say anything, as I'm not anonymous and people searching for me professionally will bump into my blog, but maybe more helpfulness. I found out some people liked my links page, and I think I can make it better. So if you happen to bump into this corner of the internet, I will post a link to the new blog as soon as it set up. Maybe during the tail end of vacation.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Now I'm in for it
In spite of a strict embargo on picking up new hobbies, I bought sock yarn today. Two dishcloths and I think I can make anything. But my friend (the one I hold partially responsible for this madness, because of her nefarious knitting enthusiasm) tells me this is the year of knitting dangerously, of diving in on projects that seem scary. So I'm not going to wait until my stitches are always perfectly even. I'm going to make a pair of socks like I've wanted to for ages.
The other impetus behind the madness is my recent realization that I make life into a series of "have to" and "should" tasks. Even things I want to do and enjoy doing, I think of in terms of having to---because I've chosen them or their endpoint, sure, but I am viewing very little as a free choice of something that I want to do. I think this is a hold over from working on my thesis. I pushed myself very hard---pushing, in Neil Fiore's ("The Now Habit") terms. Pushing is when you force yourself to do something through fear or distaste of the consequences if you don't. It doesn't really work as well as positive motivation. And yet it seems to be the default. So I've gotten into the habit of *making* myself do things. I need to relearn how to do things because I want to do them. Part of that is relearning what I like to do. Hence buying sock yarn, although I have another two dishcloths I've promised to make, a scarf I want, and a shawl I was eyeing. But all of those involve boring stitches and doing something that I've told myself I should. What I really want to try is socks. In no way should I do socks, nor do I have to. The others have turned into assignments. This is just for me.
One of the most frustrating things about this semester, since I've been back from holidays and done the thesis, is that I have kept the "have to" mentality, and it has led me to avoid things I actually really enjoy. I love my research topic. I love doing research. I enjoy working with the people in my lab. I even like volunteering for things, helping with outreach. But every one of my activities over the last month has been tainted with a feeling of being forced into something, forced by myself. And that's frustrating, when I know I would choose it freely if I could.
The other impetus behind the madness is my recent realization that I make life into a series of "have to" and "should" tasks. Even things I want to do and enjoy doing, I think of in terms of having to---because I've chosen them or their endpoint, sure, but I am viewing very little as a free choice of something that I want to do. I think this is a hold over from working on my thesis. I pushed myself very hard---pushing, in Neil Fiore's ("The Now Habit") terms. Pushing is when you force yourself to do something through fear or distaste of the consequences if you don't. It doesn't really work as well as positive motivation. And yet it seems to be the default. So I've gotten into the habit of *making* myself do things. I need to relearn how to do things because I want to do them. Part of that is relearning what I like to do. Hence buying sock yarn, although I have another two dishcloths I've promised to make, a scarf I want, and a shawl I was eyeing. But all of those involve boring stitches and doing something that I've told myself I should. What I really want to try is socks. In no way should I do socks, nor do I have to. The others have turned into assignments. This is just for me.
One of the most frustrating things about this semester, since I've been back from holidays and done the thesis, is that I have kept the "have to" mentality, and it has led me to avoid things I actually really enjoy. I love my research topic. I love doing research. I enjoy working with the people in my lab. I even like volunteering for things, helping with outreach. But every one of my activities over the last month has been tainted with a feeling of being forced into something, forced by myself. And that's frustrating, when I know I would choose it freely if I could.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
On advice I don't take
My supervisor gave me excellent advice that I completely agree with. Did I follow it? Of course not.
Background info: yesterday we had a chat about submitting an abstract to a certain conference. I've been to the conference the last two years and enjoyed it. Member abstracts are lightly reviewed (97% accepted last year) and give you the opportunity to present a poster. Having just finished my Master's thesis, I've got some stuff I would be interested in presenting to this community. It is just in early phases, hence the abstract rather than a paper. Submitting would be a nice opportunity to test my ability to present my ideas independently of my supervisor (mind you, the thesis worked for that as well). It would be great to get feedback on the poster, possibly a good way to introduce some of our work to a related community. No reason not to, really. Of course, I put off asking him about it until two days before the submission deadline.
So his suggestion:
1. Get a good night's sleep.
2. First thing in the morning, think about what I want people to know about my idea.
3. Sit down and write it all in one go.
The reality:
1. Not a good sleep. I've had insomnia the last few days, and it's showing. So I didn't get to bed until quite late, slept in to compensate, and have had a faint headache all day.
2. I checked email first thing. This is deadly, and I know better. I have a few other minor deadlines in the next week, so part of my brain is constantly worrying about keeping up with those. It is an inefficient and frustrating state of mind, exacerbated by email.
3. I did brainstorm, but didn't immediately turn to writing. I sifted through other material, made myself some food, etc. etc. And now I've lost the momentum I know I had after the brainstorming, and still haven't written anything. I know why---I'm not confident that my ideas are compelling without years of research and experiments to back them up. With a 97% acceptance rate, what would it say if it was rejected? If it *isn't* rejected, then it becomes part of a public record and I'm not sure I will write it well enough. I know counters to these, and I tell myself them, but I still can't make myself write. Well, can't is not the right word. Will not, maybe.
Human nature is frustrating.
Background info: yesterday we had a chat about submitting an abstract to a certain conference. I've been to the conference the last two years and enjoyed it. Member abstracts are lightly reviewed (97% accepted last year) and give you the opportunity to present a poster. Having just finished my Master's thesis, I've got some stuff I would be interested in presenting to this community. It is just in early phases, hence the abstract rather than a paper. Submitting would be a nice opportunity to test my ability to present my ideas independently of my supervisor (mind you, the thesis worked for that as well). It would be great to get feedback on the poster, possibly a good way to introduce some of our work to a related community. No reason not to, really. Of course, I put off asking him about it until two days before the submission deadline.
So his suggestion:
1. Get a good night's sleep.
2. First thing in the morning, think about what I want people to know about my idea.
3. Sit down and write it all in one go.
The reality:
1. Not a good sleep. I've had insomnia the last few days, and it's showing. So I didn't get to bed until quite late, slept in to compensate, and have had a faint headache all day.
2. I checked email first thing. This is deadly, and I know better. I have a few other minor deadlines in the next week, so part of my brain is constantly worrying about keeping up with those. It is an inefficient and frustrating state of mind, exacerbated by email.
3. I did brainstorm, but didn't immediately turn to writing. I sifted through other material, made myself some food, etc. etc. And now I've lost the momentum I know I had after the brainstorming, and still haven't written anything. I know why---I'm not confident that my ideas are compelling without years of research and experiments to back them up. With a 97% acceptance rate, what would it say if it was rejected? If it *isn't* rejected, then it becomes part of a public record and I'm not sure I will write it well enough. I know counters to these, and I tell myself them, but I still can't make myself write. Well, can't is not the right word. Will not, maybe.
Human nature is frustrating.
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